ayseblue

Demin azicik kestireyim dedim ve de cok yorucu bir ruya gordum:

"sinifta 3tl e ders veriyormusum. Hava cok kotu ve karanlik. Soldaki en kosedeki siniftayiz. Onlar benden once girmisler, ben isiklari yakiyorum sadece bir kisim yaniyor, geri kalan taraf zifiri karanlik. Cok guluyoruz, sonucta boyle ders olmaz. Ben birini cagirmaya gidiyorum ki isiklari tamir etsin, geldigimde bu sefer hic bir isik yok. Herkes guluyor, ayaklanmislar. ALi'ye diyorum ne yaptin yine, parmagini fisemi soktun da isiklar atti o da hep beni suclu saniyorsunuz hayir yapmadim diyor ve guluyor. SOnra bi bakiyorum Sardar'in elinde bir fanta pet sise. birden diyorum evet o yapti, fanta ile islattigi icin kisa kontak oldu. Sonra ona sen yaptin demi diye kizmaya basliyorum. Sinifin gerisi o anda siniftan cikiyor. Biri geliyor, elektrikten sorumluymus (ama adami tanimiyorum) birden isiklar geliyor ve bi bakiyorum yerler fanta dolu, her taraf. O sirada Sardar siniftan cikiyor, ben de adamla konusuyorum. Birden nasil olduysa adam bana kizmaya basliyor. Simdi herkes beni suclayacak neden o cocugu mudure gondermedin diyor. Ben de ama seninle ne alakasi var diyorum, adam devam ediyor canimi cok sikiyor. Ben de oradan cikip Sardar's aramaya basliyorum. Geri kalan butun ogrenciler koridorda bir seyler oynuyorlar, soruyorum Sardar nerede diye gitti diyorlar. Ben de cocugun pesinden disari cikiyorum ne de olsa uzaga gitmis olamaz. Cok ruzgar var disarida. Uzakta iki kisi yuruyor ama o degil. Biri yaslica topluca bir kadin bana dogru geliyor, bi bakiyorum ustunde ninenin mavi elbisesi var, nine mi o diyor hizlica yanina gitmeye calisiyorum, sonra ustundeki kiyafet bordo elbisesine donusuyor. Kadin yanima geldiginde fark ediyorum ki nine degil. Sonra ben de ne y apsam bilmiyorum eve gidiyorum. Ev ninenin evi. Eskiden ki gibi arada ben orada kaliyormussum. Eve gelince en iyisi cocugu arayayim diyorum ki okula gelsin. Cunku yoksa tatil var onumuzde. Cocugun metronun numarasini her yerde ariyorum. Bu sirada cenem tamamen kilitlenmis durumda, ne kadar ugrassam acamiyorum. KOnsmak cok zor.O sirada evde gurultuler duyuyorum. Dusta biri var, erkek sesi. Sonra arka arka odaya dogru gidiyorum. Bi bakiyorum Saniye orada ninenin eski koltugunda uyukluyo. Saniye diyorum sasirmis bi halde, o da yerinden sicriyor, elinde orgu var galiba diye dusunuyoru. Sonra biz arada burada kaliyoruz her Carsamba gunu diyor. Sonra ona cenemi anlatiyorum, acaba doktora gidip igne mi vursa da acilsa diyorum. O da hayir lazim degil, senin canin cok sikilmis, ceneni tamamen kilitlemis, sen eve git dinlen rahatla birz kafandan o olaylari cikar gecer diyor. Tamam diyip, esyalarimi toplamaya ,telefonu aramaya gidiyorum. Dustaki herhalde erkek arkadasi olmali onunla karsilasmiyorum. O dustan cikiyor ama bana dogru gelmiyor. Sonra yatagi duzeltmeye gidiyorum ustunde cok yastik,yorgan ve carsaflar var, temizleri de var. Telefonumu ariyorum, cunku annenin gelmesi gerek saat 6. Ama hala haber yok diye dusunuyorum. telefonumu yatagin ustunde duvarla yatak arasinda buluyorum. Elime alinca sira sira mesajlar geliyor. Herhalde orada cekmiyordu diyorum. Sonra annemden anlasilamayan bir kelime, herhalde bir sey yazmaya calisti hizli oldu, yanlis yazdi diyip sonraki mesajlari okuyoru. Beni bekliyormus gelmis 15 dakika once. Hemen 4 tane sutyenim varmis yatagin yaninda onlari kucuk hic tanimadigim bir cantaya sokuyorum. Icine de daha once bri sey koymusum, galiba kamera."
Sonra uyaniyorum.

Oh God, please help me...please let me feel the feeling of succeeding in something. I forgot how it felt to get a pass mark. I am really stressed right now. I haven't felt this way for a long time. please, please, please... this time let me hit the bull.

I told her not to eat so many slices pizza!!! ( I= me, her= me) ;)

once upon a day there was this girl who was traveling by train. Because there had been an accident on the railway, she decided to go to her town via another city. She took the train and thought to herself that she had enough time why not read the book that she took with her. She started reading the book. It should have been a thrilling one otherwise she wouldn't have missed the stop she had to get out. However there was something more interesting about this story. When she was reading her book, she was listening to music. Funny enough the music stopped and she saw that the battery sign showed nothing....weird she thought since it looked like she had enough until the end of the journey. When she was putting her mp3player in her bag, she raised her head up and saw her reflection on the glass. After a few seconds she heard the conductor's sign that the train was leaving the station. That was when she realised that she was at the stop she had to get out! What stupid, she thought as she was thinking was this a sign that she had missed....This was not the first one today...Open your eyes and find the signs.

Here is a new picture of mine

( Click to see ;) )

back again, after a long while...
Days are passing by without realizing it. When was that?, where was I? no idea! Brain cells are dying slowly without a trace. everything passing by without touching me..maybe they touch tough I don't feel them. I think it's time for me to disappear in the night.
Good night.

Finally all the things that disturbed me have been thrown out with the help of the liquid in my eyes! I cried like a baby, I cried like I lost someone...relief...
I have to find stuff which will make my life exciting again!

Basim donmekte...yoo hayir cok ictigimden degil. Hatta bu gece hic icmedim bile. Saatlerdir ogrencilerin sinavlarina bakmakla mesguldum, simdi kendimi sersem gibi hissediyorum.
Bugun bir arkadasimin soyledigi sey cok uzdu. aldigim kararlarda cok cabuk oldugumu ve neden bir seyin pesinden gitmedigimi soyledi. Gerci aldigim kararlarin ardindaki olaylari bilmiyor ama birden uzuldum. Cunku belki de hakliydi, savasmaktansa birakmak hep daha kolay oluyor benim icin. BIr iki olmadi..hop birak baska seylere bak. Bir kez uzuldum mu bir sey icin savasmak zor oluyor. Aman bosver ne olacak ki, yenisini bulurum olur biter diye dusunuyorum her zaman. Bakalim bu daha ne kadar surecek. Umarim aldigim kararlar iyidir, gerci hic bir zaman emin olmazsin ki neyin iyi olup olmadigini. O yuzden dene sil bastan tekrar dene :) Artik yeni mottom bu! Bu gune kadar her ne kadar plan yapsam, okulla ilgili olsun, is ve ozel hayat hep planlarim olmadi. Acaba her seyi bu kadar kolay birakmamdan mi....galiba ya! uff...neyse simdi kendimi suclayip butun geceyi uykusuz gecirmek istemiyorum. Bi yandan carpe diem bir yandan da bazi seyler icin savasacagim. Ilk once su b*ktan okulu bitirecegim, ne yapip edip. Sonra artik su evlilik isini bi duzene sokmak gerekecek! before it's too late..hahahah
Hadi iyi geceler, yoruldum! sag omzum agriyor mouse yuzunden.. bi de bugun gaza geldim, bi kosmusum her tarafim agriyor simdiden! Yarini dusunemeyecegim! Neyse eger haftada bri kac gun kosarsam hem kondisyon geri gelecek hem de kendimi yine sexy hissedecegim!

I am glad it's vacation! I can stay in bed longer! And turn more and fall in sleep again! Wonderful! How I love being a teacher! I can feel it now.. :)))
Today Mariette and I went shopping, I needed some new bras and she had to buy something too...So we went together and I was happy to have someone with me. It is holiday and I am so lonely (everyone else have to work!!!)Well, I can rest a lot! But I have to do a lot tomorrow so that I will have a nice rest! I am going to control my pupils' works and make some lessonplans. And then play "sudoku!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Ok Ok Mariette!
I am going to write my list!!!!!!!! tam tam tam tammm......here it is:

On number one: one and only Eminem, Marshall Mathers in the movie 8 Mile! (sorry I have some kind of a weakness....)
Number two: Of course: Brad Pitt in the movies, Seven, Ocean's Eleven,... (hmmm)
In the third place we got Leonardo diCaprio...Romeo + Juliet (olala so romantic)
Fourth place: Paul Walker in Fast and the Furious ( he is sooooo natural...I love it!!!!just a surf-boy!)
fifth place:Ryan Phillipe in Cruel Intentions...such a baby face!!!!!!!
sixth place: Matthew Lillard from Scream....don't ask me why...he is creepy but has something sexy!

well....I would have some more but whose name I surely forgot! That's it for now folks ;) enjoy my list hahah

Decisions made...wasn't an easy one. I have decided not to go to Turkey which still breaks my heart but at least I have certainty here...a job with a contract. I will work (if my boss allows) until juli, the end of the school year, and then I will see where my boy friend is and then make a new decision...
decisions sucks, especially when they change your future.

When I look in my hand I see lots of wrinkles, the one that indicates the line of life, is divided into 2 lines. and I felt like that I was at the beginning of these lines...2 big choices, two different lives....
I made my choice.....and I can see it in my hand that I have to make an other one soon!

Hahaha, that's about my pupils! Sometimes they are driving me crazy! And sometimes they are sooo sweeeet ....

It was again a tiresome day. And after I finished teaching, I went to play tennis with some of my colleagues. It was fun but only I am dead right now. I had a shower and actually thinking of going to bed...I will do it asap.

I was a bit pissed today. I am trying to push JK to make an appointment with someone who will be responsible for our job in Istanbul but he still did not do it! I think I am losing my patience. I want an answer! And a quick one! Our boss is coming on Wednesday. And if JK tries to make an appointment then, Everything will be too late! I need the answer before this weekend so that I can tell my friend whether I am going away for sure! I also have to arrange everything with the school at which I have been teaching.

I just read the beautiful words that Mariette wrote about us.... As I also told her...I cannot find any words to react to what she has written. Only that the feelings are mutual!!!!!

I missed those times....I want to have a party on Monday! I want to play the Death. I want to dance on the table and fall down ;) I want to go out and act normal (crazy) and scare the boys :))

I want, I want....I want to sleep..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Everything's gonna be alright!.....
That's what I hope for! Count down has started...9 days then everything will be so clear as water!
I was intending to write about my pupils who made me very angry! but I am not going to do that otherwise I will be pissed again!
I missed mama, she is coming on friday...
I talked to my father today and he was doing well alone! He said that he hadn't been cleaning the house for more than a week and today he had some visitors, so he started cleaning the house yesterday :D And he told me that he was exhausted! I loved to see him cleaning the house...pity that I won't ever see it!
I am tired now...although it isn't so late! Have to wake up early to be in the meeting and then teach 2 classes. After that I will do some work for next week so that I will spend more time with mama!
p.s. thanks to Mariette, I began to do more with this livejournal!

Goodnight! Iyi geceler!

What a terrible night I had....maybe I am exaggerating now but I could not sleep because of my sore throat. When I stand up to sleep in the other bed, Jolle asked me where I was going....and I found of that I lost my voice! I decided not to go to school because I do not have the energy and the voice to teach! Right now, I have a headache, sore throat, but my voice came back :)

I am going to study if I can manage!
bye

nauseous...I don't want to start the week again....Can it be vacation again?????? Please?????? NO? OK then I will do my best to survive this week. And I promise I won't get angry with my pupils...well....I cannot promise for this one, sorry! But what I can promise is that I can be strict and won't let them do what they want...and maybe I can talk to their class-teacher, whatever we called them!

Goodnight...I think I need some sleep...

I started missing Jolle, funny because he is not gone yet! confused...

I started a new week with a lot of complicated dreams....sometime I don't have them but sometimes days after days. I can't remember what my dream was about but all I know is that I was so tired when I stand up. (i am not saying woke up because it felt like I didn't sleep at all!) Today I was sleeping in the train, actually it was not sleeping...I was aware of everything going on but my head kept falling down!

Some of the pupils made me angry (a bit) and I handled the situation ok. They did want I want them to do. They think that I am a very strict teacher...today I read in Anass's book that he hates me because I am always picking on him! hahaha,funny....if I read this last year, I would have been depressed. but this year I don't care so much because children get angry and then they forget it! And I do not hate Anass, so I think it will be over :)

Sometimes I have the difficulty about not talking about my job in Istanbul. Today Nour (my pupil) asked me whether I was going to marry. And I told her that I will and maybe in May. She got so excited, then you will show the pictures won't you teacher, she said....She is a nice person. I know her from last year!

I am tired right now...Maybe I will think about some extra exercises for one of my class because we have 4 hours of English, and if I use all the hours we have then we will be ready with the book in april! I have to invent something. A colleague told me that I can get some programmes on video, but the video does not work with this TV. I will think of something else....but have to be quick!!!!

good night!

On Friday I went to the musical, Mamma Mia with Mariette! I loved it! I wanted to become an musical artist! :) Nice to dream about...I love dreaming about lots of stuff! After Mamma Mia we went to back to Rotterdam to a cafe, 70s, 80s cafe.It was nice, we danced a bit (not so much as usual) It was too crowded. You know what they asked us before entering the cafe? How old are you? They thought that we weren't even 23!!!!!!!Thanks a lot man! I hope I will be so young when I'm 50! hahahhaha

Yesterday I did not do much, I little bit of headache...no idea where I got it (maybe the wine I drank??? But we did not drink much that night...maybe just the tiredness of the week)In the evening Gyurka, Jolle and I went to Delft...the weather was great! I felt happy. We went to my brother's house to see where we can put our stuff when we go to Istanbul. I have to do a lot! I hope that I can manage everything! But still I don't know whether I want to stay there alone with 4 students....I think I need some rest...well, we'll see what we'll come across!

Tonight we are going to Maarten! To his new house! I am curious about it...

It is stupid but I write my daily journal on the following day!
Yesterday: I went to where I am going to teach. We had the year opening, and then some meetings....what a headache!!! I did not see the pupils yet and I got a headache...Tomorrow I will have my classes for the first time. Thanks god, I know some of the pupils...I won't feel strange! But I have to make the lesson plans actually in stead of writing this...well, this is also important that I am getting used to writing this journal. I gave this site to Tugce so that she can also read what is going in my life at the moment.

Today: I filed up the things that I will use this year (with teaching) and hide some of the things that I won't use! Good feeling. I always have to have everything empty before starting with something. And I also copied all the CD that I need for my classes. Because I will use them with my colleagues I wanted to have my own copies.(you can't find them often, or they put them somewhere where you can't find the CD's!!!)
I went to the hairdressers, had my hair cut a bit...always a bit not too much! :)
I think that's all for today. I have mixed feelings...I am not so stressed any more...:)